Conflict Resolution for Couples
All relationships experience ups and downs, even good ones. What makes an open, honest, and successful relationship is not a lack of conflict. It’s how both partners manage and resolve issues.
The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thoughts, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote. If a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they’re often able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise.
1. Be respectful. The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending. Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them. This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
2. Use active listening. Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic, listening. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling. You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation.
a. Ownership. Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes. In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases.
3. Share your side. Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner. Share your emotional response to the situation. Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
a. Trigger words. Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
b. Emotional abuse. Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior.
Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight. Be patient. Constructing a solution takes time and practice. However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create viable solutions.
Looking for more information? Check out these resources:
University of Michigan. Tips and tools for constructive conflict resolution. Accessed January 22, 2023.
Helpguide.org. Conflict resolution skills. Published December 5, 2022. Accessed January 22, 2023.
American Psychological Association. How to resolve conflicts. Published August 2017. Accessed January 22, 2023.
Causes of Conflict
There’s no shortage of potential conflicts in relationships given the external and internal stressors we all face. Fears, differences, and expectations also play a large role in relational troubles. Some partners fear rejection or a loss of independence. Conflict might arise as a result of different personalities, values, or beliefs. Perhaps one partner is expecting too much of the other. When a couple is unable to agree on what the problem is, it’s unlikely they’ll agree on how to solve it.The Tolls Conflict Takes on a Relationship
Resolving issues requires work, but unresolved conflict causes stress that flows into other areas of our lives, affecting us physically, emotionally, and financially. Couples may experience a decrease in intimacy as well as feelings of resentment, relational insecurity, and financial instability. Communication might become difficult if conversations about anything other than the conflict decrease. People may also experience lower self-esteem as a result of unresolved conflict.Dealing with Conflict
There are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with conflict. When one partner makes all the decisions, the other might feel undervalued and resent the misuse of power. On the flip side, if both partners avoid conflict, the problem will linger and escalate. Partners will continue to play their roles to the best of their abilities, but the problem will never be resolved if it’s not addressed. These are unhealthy ways to deal with conflict.The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thoughts, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote. If a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they’re often able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise.
Conflict Resolution Process
Here are some practical guidelines to help work through potentially difficult relationship conversations:1. Be respectful. The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending. Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them. This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
a. Yelling. Yelling will not change your partner’s mind and could anger one or both of you and discourage your partner from further communication. But a gentle tone might diffuse the situation and allow for open dialogue.
b. Positives. Try to focus on each other’s strengths and positive attributes. Discuss how you’ve overcome past obstacles without going into detail. Knowing you’ve already worked through past challenges will help you stay realistic as you face this conflict.
c. Affirm. Start and end by affirming your love. While your partner may know you love them, expressing it again communicates that you value their thoughts and feelings. It might even help calm the situation.
2. Use active listening. Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic, listening. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling. You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation.
a. Ownership. Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes. In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases.
b. Cool down. If you’re extremely angry, you might need some time to cool down before you can truly hear what your partner is saying. Take a step back before resuming the conversation. This will help keep emotions under control.
3. Share your side. Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner. Share your emotional response to the situation. Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
a. Trigger words. Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
b. Emotional abuse. Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior.
Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight. Be patient. Constructing a solution takes time and practice. However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create viable solutions.
Looking for more information? Check out these resources:
University of Michigan. Tips and tools for constructive conflict resolution. Accessed January 22, 2023.
Helpguide.org. Conflict resolution skills. Published December 5, 2022. Accessed January 22, 2023.
American Psychological Association. How to resolve conflicts. Published August 2017. Accessed January 22, 2023.