Does your younger child scream, hit, throw, or bite? Do they seem irritable? Unable to be calmed within 15-20 minutes? Is your teen wearing long sleeves, showing a strong interest in weapons, closing off, or making self-harm jokes? Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint when a child is struggling emotionally or ready to act out violently? So what can we do before their behavior escalates? Is it possible to help a potentially violent child redirect their emotions and prevent negative and destructive actions?

Causes Behind Violence in Children

There are many reasons a child may resort to violence. When kids are angry, frustrated, or afraid, they may believe that hurting themselves or others is the only answer to their problems. In an effort to protect themselves or to control others, some children act on their anger and fear.

Some children turn to violence as a means to get what they want. Others use it to exact revenge when someone has harmed them or someone they care about. Or kids simply learn violence from their upbringing and environment. Violence signals various underlying issues such as autism, sensory processing struggles, trauma, or just a lack of general emotional regulation.

Signs of a Violent Child

Anger is not a guarantee that a child will turn to violence. While it can certainly be an indicator, there are many historical factors and behaviors that suggest the potential for violent behavior, including:

  • early childhood abuse or neglect
  • lack of parental figures in the home
  • failure to empathize with others
  • frequent run-ins with authority
  • a history of aggression and vandalism
  • a record of being cruel to animals
  • having parents who condone violence
  • being bullied
  • having a mental illness
  • drug and alcohol use
  • access to weapons
  • gang affiliation (or a desire to be in one)
  • isolation
  • a decline in school performance  
A child who easily loses their temper and makes a plan to commit violence is well on their way down a destructive path. If a child communicates a plan for violence, contact parents, school officials, and authorities immediately.

Planning and Prevention

Helping potentially violent children can be challenging, but it is possible to make a significant difference in their lives. Here are some strategies to help prevent violent acts and provide positive alternatives for the child:

  • Identify triggers. Determine the circumstances that activate violent thoughts and behaviors. If possible, keep the child away from these situations. Otherwise, practice calming techniques to soothe the child and prevent a meltdown before it happens.
  • Pinpoint feelings. Help the child discuss their feelings. Tell them you want to understand what they’re experiencing. Remind them that they aren’t alone and that you and others are here to help.
  • Use words. Run through scenarios where they can practice using words to express their disappointment, fear, or anger. Offer suggestions for talking to someone who might hurt their feelings or criticize them. For example, “When you laughed at me, I felt really angry.” Using words is always better than violence.
  • Problem solve. Brainstorm alternative actions to violence with the child. Discuss other ways to cope when they become angry or threatened. Encourage them to take a time-out, remove themselves from the situation, and calm down.
  • Recognize physical responses. Teach the child to look for their body’s cues to anger. Does their heart start beating faster? Does their stomach hurt? The ability to identify physical responses might help them transition to a calming activity.  Help them learn to diffuse their emotions with deep breaths or positive affirmations, such as “I’m safe” or “It’s okay to be sad.”
  • Ask for help. Managing a potentially violent child isn’t something to take lightly. Don’t feel like you need to handle the situation alone. Seek out a mental health professional. Alert authorities if you feel that you or others are in immediate danger.
  • Discuss consequences. Talk to the child about the long-term consequences of violent behavior without threatening or lecturing. Explain (using examples) how controlling emotions in a positive way will benefit them throughout life.
  • Use teamwork. Having multiple adults to talk to will help. Teachers, school counselors, coaches, or other mentors are excellent resources for a child, especially if the parent is unavailable or uninvolved. Familiarize these adults with any warning signs or triggers for the child’s violent behavior. Designate a “time-out” space at school where they can go if they begin to feel upset or unsafe.
  • Watch for danger. Adolescents and children struggling with anger are at risk of self-harm. Watch for suicidal or self-injury signs. If they mention hurting themselves or not wanting to live, take it seriously. Get help immediately.
Just like anyone else, a potentially violent child needs to hear good feedback when a wise choice is made. Offer praise and encouragement when they make non-violent and good decisions. Focus on the positive instead of solely punishing the negative behaviors. The best way to impact a potentially violent child is to model wise choices. Your actions will speak the loudest message of all.

Sources:

National Institute of Mental Health. How to help in an emotional crisis . Published December 2013. Accessed February 2, 2023.

MedlinePlus. Self-harm . Accessed February 2, 2023.

Cleveland Clinic. Ways to deal with your toddler’s aggressive behavior . Published April 22, 2022. Accessed February 2, 2023.

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Violent Behavior in Children and Adolescents . Published December 2017. Accessed February 2, 2023.